Hold Me Again
by Sardonyx
Summary: Because losers are made, not born.


HOLD ME AGAIN

Disclaimers.

"**HOLD ME AGAIN**"

I struggled at first.

Death's a strange creature. I'd met him before of course, but I'm not sure how to describe it. The first time, I didn't have time for anything: one minute I was fighting to get free and the next I was gone. I hardly remember feeling anything, just the briefest flash of pain. And.

If I'd had time then, I would've struggled forever. I wasn't afraid of anything. Things were simpler. Strange, it wasn't so long ago.

But it seemed as if I had been _here_ for an eternity, after only a few seconds. This time it hurt, and very much. This time I _had_ time. This time, I didn't know what I wanted. And as I began to fade I saw my life. It didn't help matters any.

My childhood: unremarkable, unadmirable, pushed away and half-forgotten. I never knew my parents. I left the city in a random direction when I was eleven or twelve, wandered away and got lost in the wilderness.

Puar.

We settled in somewhere in the desert, and fell into a kind of life. Partners. No-one had ever really been nice to me before, or stuck around so long. She was great. Is great. But even she'd been upset about me _lately._ I'm sorry. I know I haven't been easy to live with. And she's so selfless and devoted; has been, all these years. My first and best friend. And then--

At first I wanted revenge on them for embarrassing me; I'm no good at revenge. All it took was hearing about a chance to be happy-- _really_ happy-- a chance for a wish. And I forgot I was their enemy. And _then_ I forgot everything except:

"You can put me down now."

She was the first girl to have the patience for me-- or the impatience to take what she wanted, instead of taking off. She taught me everything I needed to know, or tried I think; I got a lot of things wrong. And a lot of times she said she hated me. She never hated me for long, though. I could never hate her at all, not ever. Even if she was kind of clumsy, even if she was sometimes a little difficult, Bulma was....

It hurts.

...Whenever I was hurt or in danger, she worried about me, even when she was hating me and didn't want to show it. It was when I was hurt, we first-- well. I was nineteen, and very frightened. That was twelve years ago. When we were trying to inherit the earth.

The lot of us. It seems so far away, so long ago. I remember how helpless I felt; left behind, when everyone else went off to do their part. To die. Tenshinhan and all his quiet dignity. It's astounding how someone could change so drastically, in such a short time-- and he never looked back. He took it so seriously, the fate of the world being put in his hands. He's always been so much stronger than I could be.

And Goku, so mysteriously much stronger than any of us. But you couldn't hold it against him for long, no-one could. He amazed me: such a naive little kid, so strong and so carefree. At times I know it seems like he doesn't care about things; I think instead, he just... _knows better._ How many times did we think he was dead, I don't know, until we realized Goku is something you just can't kill. He was like a younger brother, but one not quite of this world (and I guess he isn't), someone in whom you could have absolute faith. That old woman said he'd save the world. It was something of an understatement.

Without him I don't think we could've done it. I couldn't. I couldn't--

Krillin. He could always come up with something. Me, I would keep crashing headlong into a problem the same way over and over again, but he could think of a million different strategies. He got me out of more than one sticky situation. He'll turn out okay, I'm sure, he's always been better than he really realizes....

I don't know what's happened to our world. I don't know even what I'm doing anymore. Lunch, where's Lunch gone? She had simple answers to everything, whether that was to kill it or cook for it. If I don't remember my parents, Lunch was as close to a mother as we ever got. Half the time she was as sweet and kind as you could ever want and the other half, she wasn't afraid of anything. _"If the bastard shows up, I'll take care of him, Yamucha!"_ -- where is she? where is she... did we forget her, too?

And now it's me? Whose fault is this? For a split second I might've been angry but then I remembered: these are my friends. They're only doing the best they can to protect the world. Sure of themselves. Confident. Smart. Strong. What was I ever but a bumbling two-bit outlaw?...

It all came up in a rush to meet me, how hard I worked for this moment, how hard I couldn't work for this moment, how many things on my mind and everything distracting from something else, twenty wasted years. Time seemed to be starting up suddenly and pain swept over me with such force I couldn't begin to describe it. I looked at their faces gathered around me, fighting the hurt and the drugs and said _I'm sorry everyone, I let you down...._

Then I found for the first time I could think of, I was too tired to fight anymore. For the first time I let go; all the thoughts and feelings and every one of my downfalls fading away into blackness and leaving only the thought that I have failed colossally.

It ended there.


End file.
